YOUR 12 STAGES OF LIFE IN FUNDAMENTALLY TRANSFORMED AMERICA

1. Greetings, and welcome to the new, fundamentally transformed America. We are happy to have you here. For now, anyway.
(time passes)
2. Now, in your best baby babble, please remind your caregivers not to use disposable diapers, as they contribute to global warming and are an affront to Mother Earth. Beating cloth ones with wooden sticks in repurposed water is acceptable.
(time passes)
3. Also, please warn your progenitors not to repeat this scenario. We need all available space for our new global citizens who have chosen to relocate.
(time passes)
4. What? Your parents are bossing you around? Stop their abuse immediately by calling 9-1-1, or find your local Child Protective Services by dialing 555-1212.
(time passes)
5. Yes, if you’ve turned 6, unfortunately you are required to attend school. However, you retain the right to enroll under your chosen name and gender. Not sure what a “gender” is? Have someone who can read look it up for you in the dictionary. Be sure to ask for the most recent definition.
(time passes)
6. Why, of course the other sex can use your school bathroom. If you wake up one morning wishing you were their sex, you can use theirs, too, so that makes it fair.
(time passes)
7. Yes, a dictionary is one of those big, thick books with all those big, long words in them. They have them in libraries, sometimes even in schools.
(time passes)
8. No, now that you’re approaching puberty, your parents cannot restrict your right to free contraception, sex with the partner(s) of your choice, all-night drug parties, or abortion. If they persist in interfering, you can sue them.
(time passes)
9. No, the bagperson cannot put your purchases in a paper bag. No, the bagperson cannot put your purchases in a plastic bag. And, no, we do not know what the question “Paper or plastic?” means.
(time passes)
10. Yes, we are fully aware you have reached your 66th year. Happy birthday. But what do you mean, “Medicare”?
(time passes)
11. Sorry, we do not know who this “George Orwell” entity is. We do not know who this “God” entity is, either. What kind of database have you been accessing to encounter these keywords?
(time passes)
12. We have enjoyed serving you. However, our records indicate that you are now approaching the end of your useful shelf life. Oh? You were not aware you had a shelf life? Please click HELP if you need further assistance, which you apparently do. Otherwise proceed directly to html://www.deathpanel.gov or dial 1-866-IAM-COOKD for further instructions. Have a nice day.

©Marylou Barry, 2014. All rights reserved.

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